Wild Goose Chase
by Aelibia
Summary: What is at first a small gathering of friends for a surprise birthday party quickly careens out of control into the realm of the surreal. Witness the horror of bikinis, wedding cakes, expensive champagne, and cheap strippers. Yamato and Sakura.
1. Honored

**A/N: **Look at it! It's semi-normal! A blessing from the Lord! The rating is for language and theme, and for possible cuddling later on. Just cuddling, mind you. I don't do hardcore. For your fix, please go read Magnetized.

Also, guys…don't ask me to update when the story says 'complete.' xD That means it's over. No more. Just wanted to throw that out there.

By the way, I almost forgot. This fic is for KorinaCaffeine/Fallacy, because she was the first one to make me read a YamaSaku, even though I didn't really want to, and because she deserves a present! She secretes awesomeness from her pores.

* * *

**Wild Goose Chase**

**Chapter 1 – Honored**

* * *

When he looked back on it, he should've suspected something from the very beginning. And in fact, he almost did.

"Yamato!"

"Mmph."

"Yamato, you have to get up!"

"_Mmph."_

"Yamato, it's really important!"

But why would he suspect anything from her? She certainly didn't make it a habit of going around and deceiving others just for the hell of it, most importantly not _him._

"The Hokage told me to give you this mission scroll. It's for ANBU."

"Mmph?"

Suddenly more awake, he had snatched the scroll from her hand and flipped the paper onto his palm, skimming the lines with a sleep-fogged critical eye. An enemy encampment just south of the border? A mission to gather information on their future aspirations? Sounded generic and low-level, and not nearly as fun as sleeping on Sakura's couch. But a mission was a mission.

Of course, he had neglected to remember or care that only the Hokage handed ANBU missions out, and in person, that Sakura hadn't become the Hokage's emergency mission messenger recently, nor would she ever, because the position didn't exist, and that an enemy encampment in another country wasn't really Konoha's business anyway.

He sat up; rubbing at the lines imprinted on his face from the raised couch pattern, Yamato looked up into the face of one determined Sakura, clutching his uniform in impatient hands.

"Come on, come on! I already have your little costume ready! That encampment isn't going to wait for you forever, you know."

He slipped into the grey and black fabric like it was a baggy second skin, and in need of a wash to boot. But something had been off about all this…

"Sakura, how do you even know that's what my mission is? Sneaking peeks at the scrolls? That's against protocol."

He pursed his lips at her in mock disappointment.

"It's—um—well, what are _you_ going to do? Besides, the Hokage gave me this scroll herself. So your tattling will fall on irrelevant ears."

Yamato slipped on his mask, shook his arms a couple times to let his metal guards shift into place. The apartment looked normal, he noticed when he glanced around. Nothing out of ordinary to make this odd outburst become any less…well, odd, than it was to begin with.

"So," he turned to her, and she had her fists on her hips this time. "So the Hokage makes it a point to read all the Anbu missions to you before she hands them out? You must feel _very_ honored."

"Now you're just being an ass, Mister Goody-Two-Shoes."

She blew a saucy kiss at him and tossed a katana in his general direction, which he easily plucked from the air and tied to his back. Eyes fixated on her curiously while he snapped the sword into place, she in turn never took her gaze from him, chewing her lips with anticipation.

"Well, better get going. I'll go and tell the Hokage you left."

He walked to the front door and paused with a gloved hand on the knob.

"Are you absolutely sure you're all right? Normally when I have to leave, there's a lot less shooing and a lot more hugging."

"Do you want a hug?"

"Maybe."

So she gave him one. And it was suspiciously short before she opened the door over his hand and nearly shoved him out into the hallway.

"Bye! Try not to get lost in the woods and stuff!"

He should've known.

* * *

Back inside the apartment, Sakura smiled to herself giddily.

"Wow," a familiar voice drawled from her living room window. "That was really pathetic."

She strolled to the ledge and smirked at the man outside, ecstatic at the look of utter disappointment on his face.

"Well, Kakashi-sensei, it was sloppy, and I almost blew it there for a minute, but I guess he just trusts me too much for his own good. I hope he doesn't hate me when he comes back."

Kakashi turned around and stuck a leg inside Sakura's apartment, inviting himself in without a second thought. His shoes made soft sounds on the rug as he made his way to the couch, the indent from Yamato in the last stages of re-shaping itself, and he sank into the plush fabric, slinging arms across the ridge of the back.

"Yeah, that was just about the worst acting I've ever seen, but I really didn't expect him to actually fall for it. I'm kind of sad now. Maybe I should suggest mandatory gullibility tests for everyone above chuunin rank."

Sakura laughed and walked towards him, sat at the opposite end of the cushion, and picked up her telephone, methodically dialing her second-favorite number, sticking her tongue out of her mouth from habit.

"Well, don't get your feelings hurt or anything, but I'm calling Naruto over to help me. I have a feeling you won't be a very good party planner."

"Mmm. I'm just here for the food. You told me that, remember?"

True to his reputation, Kakashi was already drifting off into his own little world, wrapped up in the adventures of Jiraiya's warped idea of good fiction. But no matter. If he wanted to sit right in that very spot for the rest of the night, well, that was perfectly fine.

_Sakura?_

"Hey, Naruto, just calling to let you know it worked."

_Ha, ha! What a loser!_

"Oh, don't be mean. You would've done exactly the same thing, you jerk. You probably would've believed me if I had told you that Tsunade just named you her successor."

_Well, she'll do that anyway, so I don't have to worry._

"Right. So I'm going to the store now to get some things. What can you do?"

_I can invite people, I guess. Who do you want me to get to come?_

"Oh, just people. I tried asking Kakashi the other day if he knew anyone that knows Yamato as a close friend or anything, but you know how helpful he is with stuff like that."

"I already told you, Sakura. It's ANBU. No one has friends in ANBU. It's an emotional dead zone."

"Well, that doesn't mean you have to uphold the standard when you're _out._ You're a dead zone yourself most of the time."

"A ninja must always—"

"Oh, go make yourself a sandwich. I put the meat in the fridge."

Kakashi stood and walked into the kitchen. The fridge made a slight popping noise as the man opened the door to examine the contents. Sakura sighed and resumed her conversation.

"So yeah, that's how he contributed."

_That's Kakashi for you. I'll bet he's excited and just refuses to show it. You know, when September comes around we should spring this on Kakashi, too._

"Ha! He definitely wouldn't fall for it after all this. It would have to be a normal party. And we'd probably have to nail him to the floor to get him to stay, or, the horror, socialize with people."

"Actually, I am quite adept at handling myself in social situations, thank you. You're out of mustard now, by the way."

"You're buying me some more. That was my favorite brand of mustard."

_Well, you sound busy, so I'm going to go now. Do you think Ibiki would want to come?_

"Umm…I'll just leave you to it."

_Okay, see you!_

"Bye."

"Ibiki? Why, I imagine he'd be thrilled to come," Kakashi quipped with a mouthful of romaine and turkey.

"Don't you be mean either, Kakashi-sensei. I want this to be a fun time for everyone, so cut down on the sarcasm just this once."

"All right, just for today. Do you have some milk?"

Sakura hung up the phone and walked briskly into her bathroom, brushing her hair back for the third time that day.

"I have some soymilk, is that okay?"

Kakashi sighed.

"Water?"

"That's fine."

"I'll get you some."

"No, I got it."

She walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where Kakashi was surreptitiously arranging his lunch, now complete with water, chips, and an orange. Or maybe he always made his lunch like that.

He placed them on a mat just so on her tiny kitchen table, and then folded his arms and regarded the pink-haired woman blankly. Sakura scrunched up her nose.

"You're never going to let me see your face willingly, are you?"

"Well, you already know what's under it. Another mask."

"Hmmph. So how long do we have until Ten—Yamato comes back a furious chunk of ANBU?"

Kakashi tilted his head at her.

"So he finally cracked and told you his name? It was getting ridiculous there for a while. I think he just did it to screw with your head."

Sakura smirked.

"Yeah, he sure did. So I had to resort to underhanded measures."

Kakashi laughed.

"Don't tell me you peeked at the files."

"I _might_ have," she smiled brightly and sat down in her other table chair, scooting it next to Kakashi, and took a drink of his water. Kakashi watched her balefully, pried it from her fingers, and replaced it on his left side.

"So when did you spring it on him?"

Her wicked smile unnerved him a bit.

"Last night, when we were—"

"Okay, okay," Kakashi held up his hands and chuckled nervously. "In that case, I don't need to know."

"So you read porn but you don't want to talk about it?"

"Well, no…it's not exactly polite conversation if I remember correctly. And I try not to think about other people having sex if I can help it. _And,_ come to think of it, now _you're_ the one being mean."

He glared at her halfheartedly, and she smiled innocently back at him.

"All right, then, no more," she groaned dramatically, but stood up from the table, the chair making soft squeaking noises as she pushed it out, and then back in.

"I'm going out right now. So do you know about how long we have, anyway?"

Kakashi squinted.

"I'd say you have…five hours before he gets there, runs around in circles for a while, and then comes back a furious chunk of ANBU."

"Oh, even if the party doesn't completely cheer him up, I'm sure I can after everyone's gone."

"Once again, too much information." Kakashi looked down at his lunch longingly. "I want to eat my food now, so why don't you just go get the stuff already. I'll be right here guarding the parameter against anyone who might try to sabotage this joyous occasion."

It was hard to scowl at him when he smiled at her like that.

* * *

"…and so Sakura got this idea to have a surprise party for him, and we really want you to come. I don't know if you actually even know him, but there will be food."

Genma clicked his teeth on the senbon, the metallic tap comforting. He leaned on the pane of his apartment door and regarded Naruto thoughtfully.

"I have to bring a present?"

Naruto pursed his lips in thought.

"I didn't really think about that. I guess you could if you wanted to. I'm not sure exactly what Captain Yamato likes, so if you do bring something I wouldn't know what to recommend."

"Hn. I think I know what I could get."

"Ooh, what?"

"That's none of your business."

"Oh, come on. I won't tell anybody."

"I was thinking maybe some strippers or something. I dunno."

"_What?_ That's lame. And this isn't a guy party, you know. I already told you Sakura's doing all this. Can you imagine what your corpse would look like after she found out you hired strippers for her boyfriend?"

Genma laughed snidely.

"Then maybe I'll hire some male strippers for _her,_ then. And I thought he wasn't her boyfriend."

"Well," Naruto rubbed his head over the latest patch of bruises. "She doesn't like 'that term.' She says it's 'not official' and to start minding my own business."

"Right. Isn't he like living at her _apartment_ or some shit? That's pretty damn official."

"They do go back and forth…so Genma, you'll tell people if you see them?"

"Yeah, I'll do that. Sakura's at seven, right?"

"Yup."

"So…yeah, okay, see you then." Genma pushed himself upright and retreated into his apartment.

"Okay," Naruto said to himself, slapping a fist into his palm. "Operation: Invite Next-Door Neighbor a success! I'm so lucky I live next to a jounin. So who next?"

He strolled down the hallway twirling a kunai thoughtfully, and paused when he reached the outside balcony. Quickly, he scanned the streets below, searching for a familiar face. Now who might know Captain Yamato…hmmm…of course! A squad of ANBU headed towards the Hokage tower, and Naruto heaved himself off the balcony and dashed after them.

They would probably know Yamato, being in the same shinobi class and all… But even if they didn't know him, now he had a bribing tool. Strippers!

* * *

Yamato sped through the forest, growing closer to his goal by the minute. Something still seemed off about all this, but it was _Sakura._ He should trust her, right?

Underneath his mask, he grimaced. The scroll felt and looked authentic, so there was no reason to doubt. No reason to doubt at all.

When he reached his second cross-reference point, he glanced around the perimeter briefly before reaching for the scroll again and opening it quietly. According to the summary, he was already halfway there.

Looking up at the sun, he guessed his return to Konoha to be close to nine or ten o' clock, depending on how thoroughly he could manage to stake out whatever operation was at hand here. He wouldn't rush, of course, but he wanted to see Sakura again. However strangely she had behaved earlier this afternoon, he still felt like he didn't spend enough time with her.

But as soon as he got back he would make changes on that immediately. Probably he would take her out to eat somewhere, and maybe ask her to just move in with him completely. They could both pay to have a bigger apartment, and—but she might think he was trying to control her, wouldn't she?

Females were so confusing. Most especially this one. For sure, though, she wouldn't reject going out to eat. For all of her obsessions over training and keeping medically fit, the woman had the appetite the size of a horse.

Yamato's cheerful and depressingly confusing musings were cut short when a kunai flew from the branches above and barely missed embedding itself into his jugular.

* * *

A cold blast of air swept around Sakura, chilling her to the bone, and at once, she resented the power of air conditioning. Really, it wasn't that hot outside. Where was the sanity of the people who owned this place?

Quickly making her decision, Sakura left the linens store, determined to find a decent tablecloth elsewhere. As she strolled down the street, grateful for the warmth of the sun creeping into her bones, she made a mental summary of her past fifteen minutes party-preparing.

Tablecloths? No, she hadn't got those. Catered food? Didn't even start thinking about where to go. Drinks? Not really. Entertainment…? Did people even _need_ entertainment at a party?

"Of course they do," she growled aloud to herself. "Even if there's just a couple people coming, we still need something to do."

"Talking to yourself again, forehead? You really _are_ mental."

Ino bore down on Sakura like a stampede of buffalos, snatching her best friend's arm in her own and possessing a mindlessly cheerful demeanor that nearly made Sakura sick. This was no time to be happy! There were _parties_ to plan!

"So what about this couple people coming and needing stuff to do?"

"Ino, really, I can't." Sakura struggled against the girl's iron grip.

"Sakura, really, you _can." _Ino gripped her arm tighter. "Come on, please. I tell you everything, everything I ever do, and you won't even tell me basic girlfriend gossip. Like what you and that stud are doing in bed."

Sakura scowled. "Ino, people _don't_ talk about that to each other. At least, not _decent_ people."

"Oh, yes they do. We need to give each other tips and things. Especially you. I'll bet you just lay there and let him do all the thrusting."

"Mmhmm, sure do." Sakura finally wrenched her arm free. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and make arrangements for that _stud's_ party…oh, shit."

Ino squealed. "A _party!_ You didn't tell me you were giving him a party! Ooh, I want to come! I'll even help you set up," the freed arm was repossessed and Ino began dragging her in what Sakura assumed was her family's flower shop. Whenever she went somewhere with Ino, they always ended up there at some point.

"Well," Sakura muttered. "I didn't want you to know, because it's supposed to be a small party. You know, no fuss. I don't think he'd like that very much…you know how reserved he is."

"Bullshit! Everyone loves a big party!"

And Sakura submitted to her friend, knowing that since Ino knew, there would be dire consequences for anyone that tried to stop her from becoming fully involved. True to tradition, the Yamanaka flower shop loomed ahead, and Sakura's heart sank at the implications. Ino would stop at nothing to make this the most garishly pimped-out party in existence…her apartment might not survive.

"Um, Ino…"

"Daddy! Daddy, I need to talk to you," Ino screeched in the general direction of the shop as they got closer.

Sakura watched in despair as everyone in earshot looked up with interest at the screaming girl. If Ino let anyone find out that Sakura was throwing a party…

"Daddy, Sakura's having a party for that Yamato guy on her team! I need some money so we can go buy decorations! Oh, and we'll need the flower shop for a second. It won't hurt to have a few arrangements on the coffee table and such."

Inoichi Yamanaka peeked out his front door holding a scroll in one hand and a sandwich in the other, surprisingly calm at the sight of one hyperventilating blond and one suffering soul yelling at him from outside his shop.

"The last time I gave you money," he swallowed a bite of sandwich and continued. "You spent it all on your hair. Use your own money."

"Daddy! Sakura is here and she'll make sure we spend it wisely. It's for a party! Have a heart, dad."

"Bah, fine. But I'm not giving you a lot, so use your own money for the rest."

Sakura felt extremely sorry for the man, having cracked with the slightest bit of pressure to Ino's charms. At the same time, she was jealous at the lack of resistance, knowing that if she'd asked her own father that very same question, he would've followed her around until she spent whatever he'd given her, just to make sure she was spending it in a way he approved of.

Well, thank God for Yamato, who would probably shave himself bald if she asked him to do it.

With an adequate chunk of money in tow, Ino marched confidently into the shop, and Sakura paused to take in the perfume as she always did. It just never got old, coming in here, and she stood there simply breathing in and out, grateful for this moment of sanity. Ino, on the other hand, was already well into a detailed drawing of some flower arrangements at the counter.

"Okay, forehead, what time is this party?"

"Mmm…"

"Sakura! Focus! I need to know when to start fixing these up so they'll still be pretty by the time I set them up!"

"Mmm…seven PM."

"So I'll need to have those by six-thirty…do I have enough tiger lilies for this…?"

Sakura got down on her hands and knees, crawled softly to the iris section, and laid there flat on her back, hoping Ino would be done fast. She didn't exactly appreciate the intrusion, but she was grateful for some professional help, even if the party _did_ become slightly out of control now that the blonde had taken the reigns.

But even Ino knew how to be simple and subtle when the time was right. She probably wouldn't do something crazy for once, hopefully sensing Sakura's nervousness at Yamato's reaction when he came home upset at being tricked. Actually, she didn't even know about that…maybe she should?

No, nothing strange would happen. It was just a little party.

* * *

Naruto strutted away from the group of ANBU, chuckling proudly to himself. Now that they knew about it, surely they would mention the party on the fly to a couple of their ANBU buddies.

But of course he couldn't rely on them totally. ANBU usually didn't talk that much unless their conversation was in the form of vague foreshadowing of events and blatant threats to your very being, and if he saw any more of them it wouldn't hurt to pass it on himself.

Now, he had to think. Did Yamato know many jounin? Actually, Naruto didn't know of that many himself, just the few that happened to be sensei of his friends, those guys that sat at the front gates, and others who happened to cross his path. For a list of invitees, it was pretty weak.

"Hello, Naruto, you seem up to something. Are you finally feeling it? Do you feel the power of youth seeping into your very soul?"

Naruto spun around.

"Hey, you're Lee's sensei!"

"That is correct. But at the moment, I'm afraid Lee is—"

"That's great! Hey, do _you_ want to come to the party?"

"Party…" Gai paused and narrowed his eyes at Naruto, stroking his chin with one hand while the other fisted at his waist. "Now what kind of party are we talking about, here?"

"Umm…" God, that man had no idea how terrifying he was. "It's for Yamato. You know, that guy that took Kakashi's place for a while."

"Ah, yes. Sakura's husband."

"Um, no. Anyway, it's his party. Sakura is organizing it, and she told me to invite people."

"And you came straight to me!" Gai laughed loudly, and Naruto flinched. "Well, that is just super. I would be glad to come to that party, and I'll make sure to let everyone know about it, so don't you worry."

"Thanks!" Naruto hummed nervously. "So…it's at Sakura's apartment at seven tonight, okay? Do you know where that is?"

"I know it. I know it well."

"O…kay, then. I'll see you there, Gai-sensei."

"Farewell, youthful soul!"

Naruto decided right then and there to not invite any more jounin. They were just too weird. Probably Yamato wouldn't mind if he invited some of his own friends…now, where was Neji?

* * *


	2. Complications

**A/N:** MOAR.

Asuma is alive. Why? Because I said so, that's why.

And one more thing. Which is more proper, till or 'til? As in an abbreviation for 'until,' like half an hour 'til/till seven o' clock. Also, if anyone sees any grammar mistakes, etc., please don't hesitate to tell me. I crave perfection more than Ino craves sexy.

* * *

**Wild Goose Chase**

**Chapter 2 – Complications**

* * *

"No, Forehead. You don't put pastels and primaries together, it's disgusting. If you do that again I'm going to have to put our friendship on hold."

Sakura screamed and pulled at her hair with frustration, and then tossed down the red and _'pastel'_ green crepe she'd been holding. She stomped them into the hardwood while Ino watched on with a serene expression.

"That's right, just let it all out" the blonde cooed, turning back to her own roll of pastel green crepe. She twisted out a long strand of it and cut off the end, comparing it to a powdery blue near her feet. If she twisted them together just right, it would look fabulous, of course. Ino was just talented with decorating, and Sakura…wasn't, so much.

"Calm down, Sakura," she continued. Sakura sank to the floor and let her head hang limp over crossed legs. "Just let me fix these up and I'll tell you where to hang them. And throw that nasty red crepe out. It won't go with the green _or_ blue."

Sakura hurled the red down the hallway adjacent to the living room, childishly delighted at the way the tail end fanned out like a streamer after the spindle.

"Ino," the drab girl sighed. "Everything is going wrong. Why is everything _always_ going wrong?"

"Nothing is going wrong for anyone else," a masculine voice sighed back. "You're just upset that nothing _you're_ doing is going _right._ Just let Ino do the decorations and you get the food. It's the natural order of things."

"You know, Kakashi-sensei," Ino smiled from her corner. "When you don't say anything, I always forget you're here. You're so quiet."

"Yeah, I'd like to not be here. Hey, no hitting."

He caught a couch pillow in mid-swing clutched in Sakura's fist. She glowered at him and huffed angrily, and, as usual, he stared back completely calm and bored-looking.

"You," she snapped, "are getting on my nerves. For that, I must ask you a favor."

"Mmm."

"Kakashi-sensei."

"All right, all right."

"Would you go get some fold-up tables for the party? I need stuff to set the food on."

She released the pillow and watched it bounce back into Kakashi's lap. The man sat still for a moment, and then murmured a quick acquiescence.

"Good," Sakura smiled, took a deep breath, and released it slowly. She _would_ keep her sanity, no matter what.

"Ino, Kakashi-sensei, I'm going to go get some of the food now. Back in a bit."

Sakura gave her morphing apartment one last glance and rushed out the door for the second time that day.

* * *

"Just tables?"

Kakashi closed his book and replaced it in his vest, waiting for an answer from Sakura's frantically renovating friend.

"Oh, that's just ridiculous. We need tables, chairs…probably three eight-seaters, and sixteen folding chairs. Everyone else can eat standing up or in her living room furniture. Can you remember all that, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Well, yeah, but where do I get it? And who's paying for any of it?"

"Oh…" Ino quickly taped up a stray end of crepe and rushed to her purse, smoothing her hair back as she went. "Here's some money from my dad. We're only renting them for one night, so it should be just this much."

She passed a wad of small-digit bills into Kakashi's hand and immediately went back to pondering the mysteries of party paper. Kakashi stuffed the money into his pocket and left the apartment with little fuss. From there he headed straight to a furniture store, the most obvious choice of wares, but the manager wasted no time in redirecting the man to a reception store after the request for "cheap, rented tables and stuff."

The saleswomen in the store were all very kind and helpful, and after everyone got past the initial roadblock of assuming Kakashi was at first future father-in-law, then brother-in-law, and progressively uncle-in-law, cousin-in-law, future groom, and finally live-in-boyfriend to Sakura, they got down to business. Kakashi repeated Ino's request with ninja-like precision, then sat outside reading a book while they did all the work of putting tables, chairs, and whatever else together.

If it was at all possible, he wouldn't even have anything to do with this. The way he saw things, it would only end badly. Or hilariously humiliatingly. Probably a little of all three. He smiled under his mask and flipped through the pages straight to the interesting part, ignoring whatever shadow of pre-coitus conversation Jiraiya had orchestrated this time around.

He completely ignored Asuma until at a certain point he became a giant, smoking sunblock.

"So I heard from Chouji that Sakura's having a party for someone named Yamato?"

"Yeah," Kakashi let the book hang limp in his hands. "You know, the jounin who replaced me during that time."

"Oh, right, that guy. I've talked to him before, now that I remember it. He was with you in ANBU. Wow, that's amazing that him and Sakura would actually go this far. I didn't even know they were dating."

"It has something to do with a dare and alcohol. That's all I know."

"Figures. But still, this is pretty significant. I wonder what Tsunade will say. Sakura is pretty young, after all."

"Oh, it doesn't matter. It's just one little party." Kakashi resumed reading.

"One little party with lots of attachments. Anyway, I'll be going now. I guess Kurenai will want to come to this. She likes these sorts of things."

"Mmm."

Asuma's shadow retreated, quickly replaced by a smiling store employee.

"Would you like pastels or primaries for the linens, sir?"

"Uh, just whatever is normal, I guess. Did I ask for linens?"

"Pastels, then. And it comes with the package price. It's a better deal, and the linens are very hardy."

"Mmm."

"I don't mean to pry, sir, but will you be giving her away?"

"…Huh?"

* * *

"Married?" Kurenai's eyes widened in shock. "That's not what Gai told me. I heard it was just a little get-together to celebrate the passion of…whatever. Are they really getting married?"

"Yeah, he was getting stuff from a wedding reception store. Definitely."

"Well, we can't jump to conclusions. Wedding reception places can have generic wares, too."

"On my way here, I saw Sakura at a shop specializing in wedding food."

"Oh, God. And she's so young! There wasn't even a bachelorette party or anything…I guess I'll have to get her a honeymoon gift at the last minute. I hope she doesn't mind lingerie."

"Just don't give her anything too scandalous. You know how the Hokage is so protective of...female dignity."

"The Hokage! I wonder if she's been invited to the party…"

* * *

"Affirmative. The Haruno girl is definitely planning a wedding party, ma'am. Confirmed from four closely associated contacts."

"Any extra news?"

"I, uh…"

"Well?"

"There's a…I heard from a comrade that there might be strippers at this event, Lady Hokage. Both male _and_ female."

"Hmm," Tsunade rested her chin on folded hands and brooded drunkenly at the ANBU officer in front of her. It was _way_ too early for shit like this. "That's interesting. Where is Tenzou?"

"He cannot be located at the moment."

"Hmm…_you!"_

"Yes, Lady Hokage?"

"What should I wear to the party?"

* * *

"Bah, forget the linens," Sakura growled to herself, struggling to balance a cake and several large bags of finger foods back to her apartment safely. "I'll just put them on the table plain. It's not like anyone will care. Oh, but I wanted Tenzou to be impressed…aw, damn."

"I will help you with that."

"Huh?"

Sakura turned her bulky procession to her right and saw, of all people, Danzou. As in, Danzou the head of the Root division of ANBU. As in, Tsunade rambled on endlessly about how much she hated him when she got drunk. As in, the source of Sai. Sakura was immediately on guard, but gave up her packages to outstretched arms with little fuss.

Danzou turned and continued the stroll to her apartment, as if he did this every day. After several moments' hesitation and a quick prayer in hopes of not dying in some gruesome affair, Sakura followed.

"I heard the news from Sai." The man entered conversation the way he entered everything else, with a presumptuous tone of voice.

"Oh, about…the party…?" Sakura studied the man out of the corner of her eye. Maybe he'd finally gone off the deep end.

"Yes, and its connotations."

"Oh…"

"I must say I am quite impressed with this turn of events."

"Excuse me?"

"You had always chased after that despicable Uchiha boy. Mentally unstable and a threat to our village, we had lost him and might have lost a very valuable kunoichi if you had not come to your senses."

Sakura fell silent. _This_ was certainly unusual.

"Tenzou is a fine shinobi, dedicated and unquestionably loyal. The tie between the two of you ensures me that as you surpass your master Tsunade in skill in both medical and combat areas of expertise, you will remain loyal and dedicated to this village as one and the same. Good to know that at least one of the three knows where she belongs."

Suddenly, Sakura felt a coil of uneasiness settle into her stomach. What had Naruto been _telling_ everyone? It sounded as if the old coot thought she was _marrying_ the guy or something. Not in a mood to argue with the man, though, and aware that he was carrying lots of dollars in appetizers and pastries, she simply nodded her head in some semblance of a bow and nothing else was said between them from there to her apartment.

Ino cracked up, doubling over at the waist when Sakura told her the details of the horrifying walk home.

"Danzou, is it? Well, isn't that lovely. I'll bet he wants to be head usher at your guys' wedding," the blonde teased her friend.

"Shut the hell up, Ino." Sakura carefully positioned the containers of flan, devil's food cake, and key lime pie one on top of the other in the center of the fridge, and judged the appliance at full capacity. She looked back at the one plate of cookies she hadn't been able to squeeze in, and shoved two in her mouth. Hell, she would eat them all right now.

"Hey, give me some, Forehead!"

"I wouldn't mind some of those, either."

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura abandoned the chocolatey goodness and ran to the door, where Kakashi was in the process of hefting in eight chairs, four on each arm, followed by a troupe of table-, chair-, tablecloth-, silverware set-, and table set-carrying women.

"Um…what is all this?" The pink-haired kunoichi eyed the items coming in warily. And why were all the women smiling and telling her congratulations? Oh, hell no…

"Kakashi, where did this come from?"

"Huh?" The man looked back over his shoulder, where Sakura was gaping at the boxes of champagne being hefted through the doorframe. "Oh, I got them at that reception store."

"You mean the one with the big cake in the front window—hey, what are you doing to my couch?"

Kakashi and Ino began pulling the aforementioned object to the opposite side of the living room, leaving a large open space in the middle of the room.

"That's the one," the copy ninja affirmed cheerfully. "I got a bargain on all this stuff, including the champagne."

"Kakashi, that's a—yeah, just set the tables up here and here—that's a wedding and bridal store! This is a freaking _birthday party."_

"Oh, no one will care." The man set about ordering the women about, and very quickly the tables were set up with neat little pastel tablecloths on them, and a serving table was set up where the silverware, cups, and bottles of champagne were arranged. Sakura had to admit the effect was amazing, but come on. A freaking birthday party.

"They _will_ care!" Sakura marched stiff-legged over to her former sensei, who had retaken residence on the couch in its new position. _"Danzou_ cared enough to congratulate me on my apparently politically important engagement to Te—Yamato, and carried my bags of _food_ home for me."

At that, Kakashi _did_ look up wide-eyed.

"Yeah," Sakura continued, fueled by his surprise. "And random people have been smiling at me all day, and I haven't even _seen_ anyone that I _do_ know. Shit! What time is it? Someone tell me what time it is."

"It's six-o'-clock," Ino called from the kitchen with a mouthful of cookie."

"That's when I told Naruto to—"

"Sakura!"

"Doesn't anyone ever _knock_ on my door?"

Naruto bounded inside, snatching a cookie before nearly squeezing Sakura to death in a huge bear hug.

"Okay, I did what you said, Sakura. I even asked Ibiki to come!"

Kakashi snorted.

"So what did he say?" Sakura asked tentatively.

"He said he had better ways to waste his time than appear at such trivial events such as this, or something. But who cares what he says. He's crazy, anyway." Naruto grinned like a maniac. "Oh, I got you a present, not just one for Yamato."

The orange-clad ninja released Sakura the moment she began to see black spots and proffered two daintily-wrapped boxes to her, both unmarked. Sakura smiled and went to the corner of the room, placing the boxes in a place she was sure was out of harm's way.

"That's so sweet of you!" She gave Naruto a second, more tedious hug, which he gratefully accepted.

"Aw, I know it. Hey, Kakashi, still reading those boring books?"

"Piss off, Naruto. I'm not in the mood."

With the two men occupied, Sakura rejoined Ino in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a sigh, happy to have this moment semi-alone, at least. She was thinking it would've been better to just take Tenzou out to eat. Was all this preparation and deception really necessary for one surprise birthday party?

"Well," she sighed at Ino, who continued chewing her fifth cookie contentedly. "I'd better go get ready."

"Like how?"

"Put something else on. Put up my hair. I dunno."

"Ooh, wear something sexy! Then when everyone is gone you guys can have some hot birthday sex." The blonde giggled madly, and Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Actually, he doesn't really care what I'm wearing. He'll take it any chance I give him. I'm the only sexually sophisticated individual in this relationship."

"Too bad. You're coming with me, though. I crave sexy."

Sakura groaned the whole way to her bedroom.

* * *

Kurenai held up the yellow zippered thong and studied it in front of the light. See-through, lacy, flirty…no. It wasn't Sakura's color.

Ooh, but this one here, this blue one with the jewels and bow on the back, now that was really cute. And that bra matched! Adorable! Definitely the right lingerie for her.

And that bottle of perfume was simply divine. There just wasn't enough time in the world to shop for things like this.

* * *

A click of the phone receiver, and Genma was feeling like one accomplished shinobi. Just one stripper should do the trick, even if he hadn't ended up getting a male stripper as promised. That was just too far for him, especially since he planned on seeing the party out.

At first he wouldn't care, seeing as how this would be expected to be a small, no-nonsense party, but then the rumors had come. Asuma swore it was a wedding engagement party for Sakura and Yamato, but than again, Kakashi just said it was a surprise birthday party. And then there was Ebisu, who insisted it was a promotion party for Naruto.

But all of them confirmed that there would be food at the party, so it was worth it just to get some free dinner. And also to figure out what the hell the party was for, if it was interesting enough. If any of that were true, he probably should get presents for both of them. Here's the plan: walk in, assess the situation, and give gift with proper congratulations.

And if that were the case, he needed to get presents for Sakura, Yamato, _and_ Naruto. Genma walked into his closet and changed out of his jounin uniform to something more comfortable, just pants and a shirt. He might as well get the shopping done now, since it was nearing a quarter past six.

He slipped out the window, closing it behind him—doors were overrated—and dropped two stories to the ground before fishing for his wallet in his pocket and checking out the situation. Okay, so he had enough spare money for three decent presents, minus the stripper. Thinking that some generic shinobi weaponry never hurt anyone, despite being as boring and impersonal as plain cash, he was mildly surprised to be confronted in the middle of the street by Anko, who was carrying two bags full of lingerie and sex toys.

"Hey, are you shopping for the party, too? Awesome. Look what _I_ got for them!" Anko shoved the bag up under his nose before smirking smugly at the man. "My gift will be the best, as usual."

"So," Genma pushed the bag back down slowly. "It's an engagement party? Are you positive?"

"Well, duh." Anko rolled her eyes condescendingly. "God, all the kunoichi are talking about it. No one was expecting this to happen, ever, especially because of all that fuss she made over that Uchiha. Well, I heard it had something to do with a reconnaissance mission where they had to pose as a married couple. So what are you buying them?"

"If that's true, I should probably get them a ticket to a spa or something, whatever it is newlyweds do."

"Oh, she _already_ got married? Shit."

Genma sighed, entirely too frustrated by all of this.

"I don't _know,_ but why would you have a party with both of them before the wedding? Isn't it supposed to be separate? Whatever. I'm going to go get those tickets."

He retreated as fast as his dignity would allow, heading straight for the spa inside the hot springs, hoping to get this done and solve the mystery as soon as possible. For the love of shit, didn't anyone send out proper invitations anymore? Of course, he would have no such luck.

"Hey, man. Are you going to Kakashi's bachelor party?"

Fuck.

* * *

She had to agree with her eccentric friend, for not the first time that day. Blue really _did_ look good on her.

"See," Ino gushed at the pink-haired girl as they spun in circles in front of the blonde's three-way mirror in her bedroom. "We look so hot."

"Yeah…" It was true. She _did_ look good. The dress was a simple tea-length, powdery blue with a halter-top, with no annoying plethora of sparkles or rhinestones the size of a whale's eyeball.

Ino's dress was much the same, the only difference being the color, purple, and an absence of straps, something Sakura was never brave enough to attempt. It didn't matter how pretty the dress was, she was just too afraid of it falling down. And if you got a size small enough to where you didn't have to worry about slippage, you worried more about asphyxiation.

But Ino posed in her dress with total confidence, and Sakura was glad for that. It was inspiring, really, and Sakura smoothed the dress over her thighs, relishing the feel of the satin. She really was lucky that Ino's size was so close to her own, and that she'd wanted her to borrow the dress, because now she thought she might've been heartbroken if it hadn't worked out.

"Thanks, it's really beautiful."

"Not a problem." Ino smiled. "Now let's do something about that hair."

What seemed like several thousand cans of styling spray, bobby pins, and curling irons, Sakura's hair finally gave up the battle and curled up nice and easy on top of her head. Sakura turned her head from side to side, admiring Ino's skillful waves and twists, happy that she'd gone for subtle, as requested.

Ino, on the other hand, piled up her hair on top in a huge tower of yellow and sparkle in something remnant of a bird's nest, or maybe a medium-sized Persian cat.

"Ino," Sakura laughed. "Trying to attract someone's attention there? That thing is huge."

"The higher the hair, the closer to heaven, my good lady." A few final sprays, and the affronting display was complete.

"I just hope you'll be able to fit through my front door."

"Ha, ha. What time is it?"

Sakura looked at the clock.

"Fifteen till. We'd better get going."

"Yeah."

* * *

"So, I was thinking the honeymoon package, I guess. The one on this pamphlet here."

The elderly man at the counter reached over a folded arm and took the paper from the nervous shinobi. He'd come in here, almost as if sneaking, and demanded a list of all their special getaways and spa treatments. It wasn't unusual for shinobi to come in here, of course, but it almost looked as if the man were embarrassed to be here.

"Mr. Shiranui, this package will last for a full week. When will you arrive, did you say?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not me, of course. It _wouldn't_ be me."

"Well, then, who? I need names for registration, sir."

"Names? Right. Damn. Um…Sakura Haruno."

"Yes…yes…and the other?"

The man paused and chewed on the senbon in his mouth, contemplating something.

"I'm not authorized to give his name based on the current situation."

"I see. That's fine."

The man straightened his glasses and shuffled the papers into order, glad that was all over with. Really, there was no reason to be so jittery, even if the guy _was_ a shinobi. But as long as he got his money, it didn't matter at all, of course. That name, though, it sounded so familiar…

"You said Haruno?"

"Yeah."

"Pink hair? Prone to violence on occasion?"

"That sounds like her, yeah."

"Yes, Miss Haruno comes in here quite often. Her business is very valuable to us. I'm happy to know she's finally settling down."

"Right, well, I don't know if that's _true,_ but…"

"Would you like a complimentary massage? It comes with ordering the package."

"...eh, why the hell not."

* * *

Ino and Sakura shuffled back into the apartment a slim five minutes from seven, panting from their run in ridiculously high heels.

"Okay," Sakura gasped. "Everything is set, except—damn, what do we do for entertainment? Ino?"

"Don't worry, it's just a small party. We can just all lay out on the balcony or something and talk. Naruto and Kakashi are already doing that, looks like."

The two girls peered out the sliding door on the far side of the kitchen and smiled at the two men discussing what was most certainly a page in one of Jiraiya's little books. It was nice to see them get along so well, and Sakura sighed.

_Knock, knock._

A pink and a blonde heap of curls snapped in the direction of the front door, and a scramble ensued for the rights to open the door for the first guest of the evening. Sakura snatched it first and hissed at Ino to make sure the food was all set out. With everyone in place, Sakura smiled widely and opened the door.

Her smile froze, and she gaped in shock. A lot.

"Sakura! My star apprentice! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about the wedding party. Though, you know, most people have them _before_ the wedding. Here you kids go. Try to reproduce in the most militaristically advantageous manner possible. We could use some kids with the First's bloodline in good condition."

Tsunade strutted into the apartment wearing a pink sequined bikini and stiletto boots, tossed a paper-wrapped box into Sakura's nearly limp arms, and dragged a muttering ANBU shinobi in a headlock—holding an open bottle of sake, to boot—along with her.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm here for your wedding party!"

Tsunade spun around with a huge smile on her face, tossed the hapless ANBU across the living room to the couch, and gave Sakura a big hug.

"My _wedding_ party."

"Yes, yes," Tsunade whispered. "I'm so proud of you for marrying Tenzou. He's a real sexy chunk of man meat."

"You shouldn't be here! You're drunk and you need to drink a glass of water and—and some sleep. You really, _really_ shouldn't be out like this.

"Not a chance! I'm not missing this for the world! And I took the liberty to invite people, too. You're not getting away with brushing _this_ little affair under the rug, missy."

"Invi—" More knocking, insistent and loud this time. "Oh, jeez. Who _did_ you invite?"

"Sakura! I must insist to be let into this party! I wish to congratulate on the benefits of your hard work and sacrifices! They have blessed you with a life-long companion! Ha, _ha!"_

"Oh, my God. You invited _Gai?"_ Ino stared at Tsunade from behind the bottles of champagne.

"No, actually. But I did invite other people! Don't worry, you'll have plenty of guests tonight!"

"Who, Lady Tsunade? _Who?"_ Sakura was beginning to panic slightly, now. She _wouldn't_ have…

"Oh, just all the ANBU squads, and some regular jounin and chuunin, too. Everyone is excited about this, you know. Weddings are very scant in our profession." Tsunade grinned at Sakura's pallid expression.

It was going to be a _very_ long night.

* * *


	3. Lost

* * *

**Wild Goose Chase**

**Chapter 3 – Lost**

* * *

Sakura closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She was currently sitting in fetal position on top of her toilet seat, praying that this all wasn't real. Okay, if Tsunade wanted to come prancing in completely wasted—wearing a sequined bikini, no less—dragging along a random ANBU by the neck, that was fine. And even Gai was all right, because as strange as he was, that didn't make him any less amicable.

But as the minutes ticked by, the products of Naruto and Tsunade's invites began trailing over the threshold, and only a few of the total number were people Sakura even remotely knew: Asuma, Kurenai, Anko, _Ibiki,_ Genma, Ebisu and his genin team, Shizune, Iruka, the original rookie nine plus Gai's team, Ayame, assorted Hyuugas, and Sai. The other thirty to forty were people she could honestly admit to having no connections to whatsoever, but fortunately nearly everyone seemed to just come in, stay a few minutes, and leave. This left a grand total of at least twenty in her apartment at any given moment.

And then there was Ino, Kakashi, and Naruto, of course, but they disappeared within the crowds as people started pouring in. Worst of all, it was already eight o' clock and there was absolutely no sign of Tenzou. Had something terrible happened to him? Sakura groaned. According to Kakashi's speculation, Tenzou should've been back within the last hour or so, and in time to yell surprise, have some cake, and sit on her balcony with Kakashi, Naruto, and Sai. Funny how nothing had worked out at all the way she wanted it.

"Hey Sakura," a fist pounded on the bathroom door, and whoever was behind it had to yell to be heard over the stripper music. Oh, that's right, Sakura thought with another groan. There were _strippers_ at Tenzou's birthday party. What was he going to think when he got back? _If_ he got back…but she couldn't think like that. He was okay. He _had_ to be okay.

"You okay in there?" That had to be Naruto. Sakura tiptoed over the freezing tile to let the blond slip into the bathroom with her, his entry joyfully proclaimed by a blast of pop music and a whiff of the wedding cake he held in his hand. _My wedding cake. _Our_ wedding cake,_ Sakura thought glumly.

He wriggled backwards until he was sitting on the sink edge, and then scooted over closer to Sakura, the chains on his belt tinkling against the glassy marble surface. For a while, they just looked at one another, and Sakura was glad for the silence. She took the opportunity to observe Naruto, trying to gage from his person the state of the party, seeing as how after the twentieth guest came in half an hour ago she'd hightailed it to the bathroom.

Naruto's hair was a mess, which wasn't saying much, but it definitely looked more mussed than usual. There were lipstick marks all over his neck, and from what she could see it looked like they trailed down into his shirt…in three different colors.

"Naruto…"

"Yeah?"

"What were you _doing?"_

"Oh, those?" He snorted through a mouthful of cake. "Anko and a couple of other chicks drug me to your room a while back. I managed to get away before they started stripping. I mean, girls are nice and everything, but it's weird when they're more than ten years older than you, you know?"

Sakura sighed. "Right. And speaking of strippers…"

"Oh, she's already passed out from all the champagne in your bedroom. I think she was one of the ones with Anko, so they're _all_ passed out in there. This is such an awesome party. You didn't tell me it was going to be this cool!"

"Actually, I'm right here!"

The shower curtain slowly opened, revealing none other than Anko, her hand down the pants of some nameless jounin sucking on her neck and groaning. Sakura blanched, and immediately made plans to put locks and seals on every object in the house as soon as was feasibly possible.

"Sorry about eavesdropping, but if you want to be specific, _you_ intruded on _us."_

"Um," Sakura fumbled. But Anko and her…friend…were already stumbling out the door into the hallway, back into the pandemonium of the party, where her rugs were no doubt suffering any number of ill fates. Naruto mercifully shut the door behind the couple, immediately resuming the conversation.

"So, I was saying. This is great. I don't know why you put this off for so long, really. But you know, I was kinda wondering…"

"Hmmph?"

"Um…are you and Captain Yamato, you know," his voice dropped to a whisper, "getting _married?"_

Sakura squeaked with indignation. "Married? Naruto, how could you even _think_ that? We planned this _birthday party_ for Ya-ma-to _together." _She ground out the syllables of the man's name harshly, trying to get her point across without giving in to her frustration.

"Did we? I don't remember that." _Dammit, Naruto._

"Whatever. I can't believe you—you even thought _any_ of that was true! Who were you talking to—well, forget that. I don't _want_ to know. We're _not_ getting married. We don't _need_ to. With professions like we have, you damn well know that one day you can be here and the next you _aren't_ there, and then—it's just not fair to settle in to a legal, long-lasting relationship when one of you could just disappear at a moment's notice! It isn't fair! Can you imagine what it would be like to be the one left behind?"

Naruto frowned. "Sakura…"

"No, listen to me!" Sakura swallowed, feeling her eyes water up. _"I_ know what it's like to be left behind! I can't make this permanent with him! It'll be like just the same thing with Sasuke! I tried to make it with _him_ and he left me!"

Naruto set his cake down and put his hands on Sakura's shaking shoulders, a concerned expression on his face.

"Woah, woah," he grimaced. "Where did that come from? Calm down, it'll be okay. I was just teasing you, you know. I know it's not true. For what it's worth, I never even started those rumors. Really."

"Naruto." Sakura sniffed.

"I swear. I was totally normal, the whole time, I just invited some people—well, okay, maybe I invited a _little_ more than was necessary, but you know it wasn't all _my_ fault that practically everyone in the whole damn country came! Word spreads, and I didn't have any control after a while…hey, are you okay? Are you mad at me?"

"Naruto…have you seen Yamato at _all_ tonight?" Sakura's breath hitched painfully.

"Now that you mention it," Naruto looked over his shoulder at the closed door. "No, I haven't. He's late, isn't he?"

"Yes. That's what I'm worried about." She whispered, and then heaved a huge sigh, putting her face in her hands.

"Well, I'm sure he'll be here any minute…maybe." Naruto chuckled nervously in a vain attempt at comforting her. He never _had_ been especially good at that…

"Naruto!" Sakura blurted out in a spray of tears, finally losing her composure. "He found out it wasn't a real scroll, I know it! He _hates_ me, that's why he's not here! I don't want all these people spreading all these rumors about us because he hates me! And it'll be so horrible to have to walk around hearing everyone—just congratulating me and stuff, when I know I'll probably never see him around here again! It shouldn't have taken this long! He'd report me to the Hokage, but of course she's _here,_ celebrating my _wedding_ party."

She curled up again and burst into sobs.

"Oh…" Naruto hissed. "Sakura, you're _way_ overreacting. We have _no_ idea where he is right now, okay? And if worse comes to worse, I'll say the whole thing was my idea, and you played along because you had no idea it was a fake scroll, and…everything works out great! It's okay if he hates me, really."

Sakura sniffed again, laughing softly. "Like he'd buy that. He's _smart._ You don't survive in ANBU for as long as him being a naïve dumbass."

"True…" Naruto put his chin in his hand animatedly, seeming to think profusely for several moments. "Hey! I've got an idea."

"What's that?" Sakura tensed warily. Naruto's ideas weren't always the most well-thought-out crayons in the box.

"You've got to open all those presents!" Of course. And that would solve everyone's problems, wouldn't it?

He slid off the counter, cake forgotten, and took his pink-haired friend by the hand, leading her effortlessly towards the door before his companion started to pull back, protesting loudly.

"Come on, Sakura…you got so many presents!"

"And not all of them are for the correct reason or person. Let me go, you asshole! I'm not done in here!"

"You're opening your presents, and that's final. Go out there and give them a show, and don't act like anything's wrong. You can do this. I believe in you!" He singsonged sarcastically. "And while you're getting everyone in position to properly monitor the present-opening ceremony, I'm going to be a minute."

Sakura opened the door and slinked out into the hallway in defeat. "Why?"

"Well, the real reason I came in here is because I'd been waiting to pee for like two hours, and politeness suddenly took a back seat. But then I found you, so there's two of my primary objectives accomplished tonight!"

Sighing, Sakura had to admit to herself that the encounter did make her feel much better, and besides, she didn't have any energy in her left for a punch or five.

"Thanks for letting me know, Naruto. I was really wondering."

"No problem. Anytime."

"Open _my_ present first!"

Assimilating everyone in the living room was a much easier task than she'd expected. No one really noticed her coming out of the bathroom because the lights were dim, so that gave her plenty time to crawl under legs to get to the stereo and shut it off. Following the gradual quieting down of the crowd, and then the second quieting down after the initial hubbub of her appearance, she'd taken the time to thank everyone for coming, which was met with various noises of acknowledgement.

Her announcement about the presents in particular cleared out most of the male crowd (including Ibiki; he was really freaking her out just by _being_ there), since most people who came had snuck peeks into the bags and were consequently scandalized by the sheer amount of leather and lace contained within. That much femininity was obviously too much for them to handle.

That left a group of about twenty that Sakura knew pretty well, and then of course there was the original three staked out on the couch. Kakashi's mask was extremely rumpled on one side, giving Sakura the impression that he'd simply locked himself into the spare bedroom and slept for the last hour and a half, which wasn't at all surprising. Still, it was a small defeat for the girl, since she'd hoped to get him socializing at least _part_ of the time.

"Come on, open it, Forehead!"

Sakura smiled at her best friend, stepping over plates, forks, and empty champagne bottles to rummage through the large pile of presents accumulated in the corner. But of course, even after she'd pulled Ino's present out, there was still that one important thing.

"Ino? Why _did_ you get me a present? I mean, you already knew what this was for from the beginning."

"Yeah, well…I left like twenty minutes ago to go buy one after I heard all the rumors going around. I didn't want to look bad and not give you a present."

"Aww, thanks!"

"I hope you're not rumpling that dress up. It was expensive."

"I'm good. It's rumple-free."

"Wait, what are you guys talking about? Isn't this Kakashi's bachelor party?"

Exactly eighteen people showered Chouji with stares of disdain, with the exception of Sakura, who watched the scene with morbid fascination. The poor boy blanched under their gazes, and then decided that right then would be an excellent opportunity to fill up on some of that key lime pie.

Once Chouji had exited the living room—much to Sakura's embarrassment; she'd really have to apologize to him later—Sakura began opening Ino's present. Pink wrapping paper in a simple cube shape, there was nothing remarkable about the package at all…of course, that was an obvious sign of something incredible within.

Everyone leaned in close, straining to see what was inside. Sakura carefully extracted the paper, not leaving so much as the slightest tape mark behind on the creases.

"Hurry up!"

"Don't yell at her, Ino, jeez. She can open it however she wants."

"Shut up, Naruto!"

It was a book. A children's picture book, to be exact. And on top of that was a red ribbon, all rolled up into a spiral. The ribbon was lightly taped to the book cover so that it wouldn't fall off, but would be easily removable. A barely detectable sigh of disappointment resounded among the younger members of the group. They were probably hoping for a thong. (Of course, they'd get their share of _those_ later…)

But among the bored expressions of some of the remaining party members, Sakura and Ino shared a special moment. This book, _The Secret Names of Flowers,_ had been the girls' favorite book as kids, one that strengthened their friendship more than anything, and a primary reason for Sakura's drive to excel in her academics.

The book listed the name of a flower and its picture, one per page, and gave a brief history of its name and its significance when received as a gift. The rose, for a more popular example, represented the flower of love, and depending on the color could mean anything from true love to a death wish; also a factor, your location in the world was paramount in these interpretations.

Sitting for hours on a bench on top of a building, the girls would pore over the book devotedly, and Ino would supply her partner of any extra information she was privy to; with her family owning a flower shop, she obviously knew things the simplified version didn't.

Ribbons, of course, held a special meaning for their relationship, too. Nearly the very beginning of the friendship started with some bullies teasing her about her head again, and confident Ino coming to the rescue. It had been Ino who'd found something for Sakura to believe beautiful about herself, and to both of them, the ribbon had represented that confidence in not only Sakura, but to each other.

But since that fight so long ago, the ribbon had been long gone as far as origins went, and until now Sakura hadn't thought about it much at all, just those rare nights when there was nothing else to do but daydream about days passed by. Seeing it again, she felt something rekindle between her and the blonde, and suddenly felt extremely grateful for Naruto's idiocy. If this had just remained a simple party, Ino wouldn't have gone through with this at all!

_Thanks, Naruto. Somehow your fuckery makes everything turn out all right every time._

"Um…guys?"

And of course, he would have to break up The Moment, as well.

"All right," Sakura smiled and tied the ribbon in her hair deftly. Who the hell cared if it didn't match? This was something much, much more than color clashing. "Sorry for getting lost in my musings, there. Thank you so much, Ino." The girls shared a smile, and then it was over. For the moment, anyway. Something told Sakura they'd be spending a lot more time with one another from here on out. It was _way_ overdue, if you asked her.

"Oh, here's a card from Genma! Where is he, anyway?"

Sakura pulled the card from the top of the pile and held it between two fingers, caressing the smooth, white paper with her thumb. Frankly, she hadn't expected a present from him, of all people. But, that went to show her something about making assumptions about people again.

"He left a while back. Said he had to finish something down at the spa." That was Kakashi, who was shockingly paying attention to this little ordeal and not wrapped up in some impossible orgasm.

"The spa?" _Oh, no, he didn't…_

Sakura ripped open the envelope as fast as she dared, squealing at the two pieces of stiff paper inside. Tickets to the honeymoon resort! Probably meant for her and Tenzou, but then again, she'd already tried to get him to go once, and _that_ was a disaster. Good thing, because here was a perfect excuse for her and Ino to go out and do something together just like old times, minus the flowers and bullies and life-changing experiences.

"I'm so jealous! You'd better have fun, or else."

"Actually Ino, I was just thinking we'd go together."

Another moment, this time with a lot more squealing and a lot less meaningful stares. And once again…

"Come _on,_ you guys! This is boring!"

"All right, all right. Calm down, Naruto."

Sakura reached for a small, wide box, this time having no idea what might be inside. It felt like clothes, since the container was flimsy and weak, and it sounded like clothes, too, when she jiggled it back and forth.

"Hey, that's my present!"

Kurenai, then. Okay, so this would be something nice and normal, maybe another book, or—oh, my.

Approximately half the guests burst into maniacal giggles. The rest smiled dryly.

It was a thong. More specifically, a blue thong with fake diamonds hanging from the back of it, in a place where they would most certainly stick out if she wore pants. Oh, and there was a matching bra to go with it! All right, it was scandalous to open it in front of all these people, but Sakura had to hand it to Kurenai. That woman _did_ have a good taste in lingerie.

"Oh, and there's perfume to go with it! Thank you, Kurenai-sensei. You must've put so much work into putting it together!"

"Are you going to wear that, Sakura? I think you should wear it right now."

"You're welcome, Sakura. It was my pleasure. I just love shopping for stuff like that!"

"Are you listening?"

"Me, too!" Sakura reached for another present, this one a bag.

"Hey!"

Following several sheets of tissue paper, the whole room was thrown into a temporary lapse of confusion. It was another book, but this one didn't quite make as much sense…

"What to Expect In Your First Years of Fatherhood…?" In a display of great intelligence, no speculation was made concerning why Sakura _or_ Yamato might receive a book with that particular title.

That one was definitely going into the coffee table drawer. On to the next present! This one was a bag again, with not quite so much tissue paper. The tag read 'an anonymous ANBU', and the entire gift consisted of a piece of folded paper. On the outside was a small note scrawled in pen that read 'can be cashed in at any time at headquarters. have a nice birthday Tenzo'. Her curiosity piqued, Sakura unfolded the note, only to roll her eyes at the interior inscription: 'I owe you 1 assassination.'

She pocketed the paper to protests all around, but Sakura didn't want to risk revealing Tenzou to anyone who didn't know of his other job. With an organization as clandestine as ANBU, it was always better safe than sorry. Of course, what with recent developments, Sakura herself didn't exactly have a perfect record in that area… Blinking quickly to remove even the slightest hint of tearing up again, Sakura's hands flew up in reflex up to her face to catch the large—heavy—box Naruto had thrown at her; apparently he'd gotten too impatient with her personal method of unwrappery. _Or whatever you want to call that…_

"Open it, Sakura! It's mine! I bought it for you guys like two weeks ago. Of course I didn't have it in the box the whole time…"

The box meowed quietly.

"Naruto!"

"I hope you like her! I named her Cat."

Sakura beamed at her blond friend, who beamed right back at her, creases in his clothes making him look all the more adorable, however off-topic that was. Sakura made plans to go over to his apartment more often to do ironing. He needed it. Badly. But back to the situation at hand…

"I found her in the trashcan by my house, so I took her to Kiba's sister and she fixed her up," Naruto continued, scratching his head nervously. "I know she doesn't look like it, but she's six months, so you can keep her. Oh, and I got her spayed and her shots and stuff."

"Oh, Naruto. She's adorable." Sakura had pried the lid off the top of the box—it had air holes, of course—and peered into the shadowy interior. The kitten inside immediately scrambled closer toward her face and mewed repeatedly, showing off her pink gums and kitten teeth fearlessly. She was definitely a housecat by standard; her muddled splotches of white, grey, black, and brown were the farthest from pedigree you could get.

But she more than made up for it in personality and wit, for as soon as she figured out the box was open, an attempt to claw to the top ensued. Laughing, Sakura pulled her out the rest of the way, pushed the now-empty box into the small pile of its kind, and snuggled the purring scrap of fur into her lap.

And suddenly the act of opening presents was so much more enjoyable. It was just a lot more fun when every shift and quiver of the box attracted slit, hazel eyes, and paws too big for their owners' feet. At this stage, the claws were still relatively soft and pliable; the few times that Sakura _did_ end up on the receiving end of some heavy-duty kneading it was certainly bearable, especially with that adorable face.

There were so many presents that Sakura frankly didn't know what she was going to do with all of them, although most were appreciated (still, who even needed an egg slicer?). And quite a bit were a bit confusing…

Sakura pulled out an orange jumpsuit identical to the one Naruto had on at that very moment. The two shinobi regarded one another quietly for a moment, and then Sakura wordlessly handed the suit over to the boy, who folded it up and put it at his side. Everyone looked on with a confused expression.

"To Naruto, congratulations on your promotion," Sakura read from the card. "Looking forward to seeing you progress. Well, okay, then. And there's no signature, so…"

Okay, something needed to be addressed, now.

"You all know that this was a birthday party for Captain Yamato, right?"

Sakura scanned the remaining faces in her birthday crowd, searching for a visual affirmation, just a nod, or a smile, or something. But no, the only people who did know were just the ones who knew it all along, as usual. Everyone else looked totally stumped.

"Birthday party? You mean you're not getting married?" Tsunade looked horrified. And so did the ANBU still locked in her clutches, but no one would ever know for sure, would they?

"Oh, I thought it was a promotion party for Naruto, or you, or Kakashi, or somebody. But wait, what would Kakashi even be promoted _to?" _Shikamaru just looked bothered, as usual.

"Hey, I thought it was _Kakashi's_ birthday party." That was Asuma. What the hell was he still doing here, anyway?

"I thought it was Kakashi's _bachelor_ party." _Naruto?_

"You idiot, I told you what this party was for!" Sakura, irritated, raised a fist. He was not going to pull this on her, no way.

"I know, I know, kidding!" But was he, really?

"Ino? _You're_ not getting a promotion?"

"No, dumbass. I'm going to go check on the food, Sakura. I should start putting stuff away now. Relax, Chouji, you can still have what you're holding in your hand."

"I just thought this was a regular party, just to have a party…" Well, that was absolutely justifiable. At least she wouldn't get any weird-ass presents from Lee. "But I brought you a present all the same, Sakura my love!"

Aw, damn.

"Atta boy, Lee! Even though she has been captured by another man, you can still offer her your undying friendship!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"BE QUIET." It was wise to put a stop to _that_ little display while it was still possible to stop it at all. Sighing, Sakura stroked the kitten on her lap, pondering with horror at what monstrosities lay beneath layers of cellophane and tissue paper. She shuddered to think at what some sex-deprived, male jounin might get _Kakashi_ for his bachelor party…

"Lee, which one is yours?"

"The pink one! I wanted something to match your lovely tresses of coral."

"Actually, coral is more of an orange-tinted pink. I'd say it's just good old bubblegum-colored. But anyway, thank you for the present! Okay, here it is."

Sakura pulled the heavy package from the slowly shrinking pile, already knowing by the feel of it that it was some sort of hardbound book. A big one, too. _I wonder if it's…no way. He couldn't have!_

But he could. It was a copy of _Rare Healing Forms: Theories on Curing Mental Illnesses Through Chakra,_ an extremely hard-to-find book that didn't circulate in the area, and barely at all in the most northern parts of the five countries. Sakura had had an opportunity to glimpse several pages within at a traveling bazaar on yet another mission to the Village Hidden in the Sand; the merchant possessing the book expressed its rarity with a nightmare-fabricating price. And Lee had—?

Sakura squealed and fingered the cover gleefully, already fantasizing about an overstuffed chair, a cup of tea, and this leather-wearing hottie currently in her arms. This breathtaking daydream almost made her forget that it was now eight forty-five and Tenzou _still_ wasn't here. She smiled at Lee brightly, who smiled back brighter, and she got up to give him a well-deserved hug. She didn't know how on earth he got ahold of it—she would graciously assume no heinous acts of crime had been committed—but he deserved an embrace for the simple price estimation she'd gotten so long ago. That alone was worth a hug no matter what.

But then there was a knock at the door. While everyone else turned and regarded the sounds with piqued interest, Sakura's stomach sank to her feet, where it leaked out of a cut she'd gotten a day ago and forgot to heal. The knocker let himself or herself in and revealed a familiar face to the pink-haired woman, and one of the last she'd like to see at the moment, given the implications: a hospital worker.

Suddenly, Sakura had visions of a distinctly different sort, one of Tenzou lying covered in his own blood on the forest floor, with no one to help him hold his wounds closed while she sewed him back up, or maybe he'd been captured and this was the messenger chosen to relay the terrible news! Or maybe he was dead! No, no. He wouldn't die, at least not until she had a chance to save him. He wouldn't! He just couldn't! Because it would be her fault he died, and—

"Is it—?"

"It's Captain Yamato," the worker admitted apologetically to her superior's horror-stricken face. "And he doesn't look good. He didn't break anything, but he lost quite a bit of blood, and got some mild poison into his system, so we'll be monitoring his situation for…a couple days…?"

But Sakura hadn't stayed to listen past the first sentence. She was already halfway down the block.

* * *

**A/N:** HA! I kept up my regular Monday schedule. I knew I could do it. I know it's not as much crack as you guys are used to, but I really like where this is going. Isn't it funny, though, how this is a YamaSaku and there's no Yama? Lol. But here he comes next chapter, so chill out, baby.

* * *


	4. Confused

**A/N:** I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LATE THIS IS. Gawd, and after all the work I went through to keep updates on time. But I didn't "forget," no. This was truly and really out of my hands. Well, here it is! Shameless fluff, etc., is all on the house, pre-packaged and delivered straight to yew.

One more thing. I'm going to be extending Abendrot in the near or far future, because it's way too short and I had more ideas at the time that I didn't write down and I am ASHAMED.

* * *

**Wild Goose Chase**

**Chapter 4 – Confusing**

* * *

He was lying in the hospital bed absolutely mummified in bandages, and for a full minute, all Sakura did was stare and listen to the pounding drum of her heartbeat in her ears. She could already see that any chance perhaps conceivable before this moment, of reconciling with the man and making things all right, vanished into nothingness, to—

"Sakura? I'm over here."

And then, more importantly, she saw she was looking at entirely the wrong person. Tenzou was on the other side of the room. Of course.

"Oh, I—" Sakura pushed her hair back with a shaking hand, clutching the bottom of her shirt childishly and redirecting her origin of anxiety. "I thought that was you over there—" She gestured lamely towards the faceless man comatose on the opposite bed and swallowed. Tenzou didn't seem to notice her nervousness, but by now she knew better than to even _assume_ he didn't. He saw. How he interpreted her actions was another thing, though.

Clean and smooth, the bed he lay in created a perfect picture of a cliché hospital scene. White sheets, white pillow, whitewashed iron body frame, and the man currently among them, wearing a light green hospital gown, completed the image. A second glance-over revealed no lacerations or discolored patches of skin evidence of a poisoning, just a large bandage on his arm where a blood transfusion occurred, a band-aid on his neck, and a stern expression on his face.

"Tenz—Yamato, I—I didn't want you to think…" Sakura began in a frenzied rush to beat her tears. "That was so stupid, what I did. I want to explain it to you."

His demeanor never wavered. "Well, go ahead. I'm sure the Hokage and I both will be interested to hear the story behind this."

And he could sit there and make spiteful comments like that—! Sakura nearly burst into tears at the force behind them, prayed that this wild affair wouldn't be the end of her relationship.

"For your information," she struck back, breath hitching. "It was practically Lady Tsunade's idea! _She_ wanted to do this whole surprise party thing and _I_ just wanted us to go out or something! You have to believe me!"

Now the man just looked bemused. "Are you telling me that this whole thing, the fake mission and the attack, were all just part of the Hokage's plan to throw me a surprise party?"

"No one had any _idea_ you'd be attacked!" Sakura snapped testily. "We sent you to the most boring part of the country to you'd run around in circles for a while and them come back later when the decorations were done!"

"Do you have any proof of that?"

Sakura drew back, and the tears came again, budding at the corner of her eyes. She hated crying, it gave her the most awful headaches and a painful ache in her throat.

"You don't…believe me?"

"Well, Sakura, I'd like to, but due to recent events I'm inclined to doubt."

"I…I don't know what to say…"

For a few minutes, the two faced one another, she standing at the foot of the bed and he bundled up in it, emotions tangible in the space between the reach of their eyes. Sakura floundered in her confusion, grasping for the ideas darting before her mind. What could she possibly do to convince him of the truth, if not the truth itself? For that matter, how did he even figure it out in the first place?

Disbelievingly enough, the woman who started the madness came rushing in to conclude it. Or maybe it wasn't that disbelieving, since Tsunade, while drunk, possessed a nasty habit of listening to private conversation, wearing exciting underwear, and signing so much as a napkin that passed across her desk.

"I can vouch for her, Tenzou. I couldn't help but follow Sakura to here and see if you were all right, and, consequently, I also couldn't help but eavesdrop on your lovely conversation." Tsunade slid the door aside and stepped into the room confidently, if a bit wobbly—this time wearing genuine clothing—facing the man in bed with pursed lips. "It was all my idea and I sincerely apologize for your trouble. But no worries, I've already sent backup to the area who weren't at the party and things are being taken care of."

And then she disappeared back into the hallway. Sakura had to smile brightly in her mentor's _deus ex machina_-like appearance. For as much as everyone labeled her a lazy, gambling-corrupted drunk, she really had her moments of redemption. Somehow, when tight situations arose, a busty blonde always appeared ready to rescue her student, her subordinate, and anyone else in need of help.

As Sakura fondly regarded the rare occurrence (for her part, these rescues came far, far apart), she heard a familiar cough behind her and rushed to the source. With a great deal of relief, she noticed the post-Tsunade-interlude Tenzou seemed infinitely more calm and collected, far the callous stranger from before. But once again, staring preceded the upcoming apology session in both timing and importance. This just wasn't a moment for eloquent, sappy speeches and epiphanies. Getting over an incident like this would take copious amounts of mental flexibility.

"So," Tenzou began hesitantly. He glanced at the door again, maybe expecting Tsunade to poke an eye around the corner at any second. "I guess I owe you an apology."

"No, no, no. Tenzou, _I'm_ sorry." Sakura looked at her feet and went on, ashamed. "That was _totally_ irresponsible, what we did, and I should've known from the beginning it was a bad idea. I mean, I can understand sending you on an errand across the village, but sending you anywhere meant grounds for disaster. Anything can happen, even on a little recon! So stupid. This—this whole time I've been imaging you laying in pieces somewhere, and all because I wanted to have a little party. It wasn't so bad in the beginning…it was just going to be close friends, and then people heard about stuff, and rumors went around, and—Tenzou, there are twenty people at my apartment right now, and that was _after_ we got almost everyone cleared out!"

Sakura caught her breath and glanced up from the fascinating pattern of powder yellow and white linoleum. To her emotional liberation, Tenzou was smiling. It was a small smile, but a smile all the same! She managed a small one back at him, praying that her fingers, twisting nervously, could brave through the urge to shoot chakra into his system to make absolutely certain the other medics hadn't missed anything.

Tenzou reached out with his good arm. "Come here." It didn't sound like a question, the way he said it.

Cautiously, Sakura slipped out of her high heels, wrinkling her brow at the sight of them tilted sideways on the floor. The fact that she still donned her party dress and hairdo completely went over her head while en route to his room, and now she felt more than a little foolish. What did he think of her in this borrowed dress, standing there and trying to redeem herself? But Tenzou waited, arm outstretched, so she crossed the last few feet separating them and sat on the edge of the bed.

The hard mattress barely depressed under her weight; she felt sorry for Tenzou, pulling her to his side with the one hand, who would have to endure it for two more days. Or was that three? Actually, the way he looked, he could be out in a matter of hours. No, no…wasn't there something about poison…? That's right, monitoring for slow-working poisons. Sakura sighed, one part weariness and one part too-tight bodice.

"All right?"

She tilted her head down and observed his face from the corner of her right eye, and saw genuine concern. Honestly, here he lay nearly dead and he worried over a sigh. Still, the gesture warmed Sakura's heart. They were going to be all right after all!

"It's okay, it's okay." She laid her head cautiously on his shoulder, came up with a wince when the dress's seams protested the action. "This dress, it's—Ino let me borrow it, it's a little stiff on the top. Do you mind if I…?"

"Do I ever complain?"

She smirked at the sly narrowing of his eyes. "No, you don't."

Pulling herself up on her knees with the help of the bedside and Tenzou's thigh, Sakura quickly liberated herself of the oppressive blue mess of fabric, tugging it over her head and tossing it to the next bed over with a new sigh of gratitude. Reduced to a full-length slip, she squirmed under the covers and resumed her previous heat leeching.

"Tenzou…are we okay?"

"Yeah…just don't ever do something like that again, okay? You could get into serious trouble. I know you say that Lady Tsunade was responsible for the idea—"

"She was!"

"—but the fact of the matter is what you did was incredibly naïve and deceptive. I might have a little more trouble believing you now even for little things. You'll have to earn that back again. Next time, I hope that if Lady Tsunade ever brings up a scheme like that again, you'll have the sense to protest it."

"I know. I know…but I do want to know something."

"What's that?"

"How did you know already what happened? You were upset right when I came in the room."

"I had a suspicion from the very beginning, obviously because ANBU missions are _only_ given direct by the Hokage, but I shrugged it off because you're her apprentice—there could always be something that came up to impede the Hokage from personally calling one of us—trusted you enough to think you'd never try to pull something off like that. But the scroll checked out, so I didn't think anything about it after that. In fact, it only clicked the second you walked in here. That guilty look on your face…there only could've been one reason."

Sakura buried her face in his chest, willing the beat of his heart to lull her to sleep. She _deserved_ all this berating.

"I don't know what else to do other than to keep telling you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke our trust, and…I understand if you want me to leave you alone for a little while. You know, give you some space to think about it."

The thin fabric of his hospital shirt echoed rustling noises deep inside her ear as she tilted her head up to look him in the face. Tenzou, as usual, completely barricaded himself behind a wall of solemnity. Whereas before Sakura would have pried and dug to get him out of his carefully crafted shell, now she just waited for a sign that it was okay to believe again, okay to sigh and smile.

"I…did say we were okay. But yeah, I'd like to think about this for a little bit."

Sakura sighed. She'd be a fool for expecting any more, and, frankly, she was glad to at least have this. This was a start, not an end, she reminded herself.

Extracting herself from his warmth made leaving difficult, but Sakura knew she needed to leave. She _did_ still have guests over, and now that she mentally and physically sorted out Tenzou's far-from-life-threatening situation, the time had come to return to the apartment and brave the rest of those…lovely presents.

Standing beside the bed, she turned back to her—_boyfriend? lover?_—and looked up to the ceiling, mind plodding along sluggishly.

"Tomorrow," she enunciated each word as though each one was precious. "I'll bring you our presents. I think you'll be surprised at what some people's assumptions were."

He smiled warmly at her, almost as if he already knew what people might think, and then he rolled out of bed after her, oblivious to the comical exaggerated creases in the hospital suit, and clutched Sakura's arm. He led her to the room's open entrance, as though _she_ were the sick and the lame, heedless to any possible hampering of his recovery. It reminded her of a date, when the boy escorted the girl to her door, parting with a kiss and a promise. She knew without a doubt what this promise was.

Tenzou waited until Sakura crossed the threshold before meeting her gaze one more time.

"Sakura…when I was attacked, the only one I thought about was you. I'm not angry."

The door shut softly before her as she smiled in return.

* * *

"And he said that? That's so sweet!"

Sakura giggled with Ino, huddled under a blanket before her fireplace. In reality, it was something like seventy degrees Fahrenheit outside, even at midnight, but that was the beauty of adjustable thermostats. You didn't _have_ to sit in seventy-degree weather if you didn't _want_ to. So there they were at forty degrees, the absolute lowest it would go, snuggled under three layers of cotton sheets with crumpled-up, orange tissue paper tossed into the faux hearth.

"I think he was on painkillers, Ino. I've never seen him so docile in the entire time I've known him. I practically expected him to forgive me for everything I've ever done, and offer to rub my feet or something. Seriously, I pull a huge one over on him, and he was being so nice. I hope he doesn't come to his senses when he comes home."

"Oh, don't play it down like that!" Ino wrinkled her nose at her best friend, reprimanding. "You're making him look bad, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Don't be an ungrateful person, Sakura. I'm sorry, but you need to just be thankful Yamato didn't slap a bitch and call it off."

"He would _never_ do that to me. He's not that type of person, Ino."

"Yeah, yeah. It's just a scenario. But come on, at the very least you knew somewhere inside of your heart of stone that he'd be pissed off when he came back, even if he _didn't_ almost get killed by a thousand black ops."

"That's ludicrous."

"I know. It's what Chouji told me. Figures."

"No, no, no. I wasn't talking about that. Well, yeah, _that's_ ludicrous…also, I guess, but…I just kind of forgot how really _important_ his job was. If he was a chuunin—no, it would just be wrong no matter what. Gah, I hate talking about this. But I just can't stop _thinking_ about it. I acted like such a child. I can't believe Kakashi didn't stop me. You know how gung ho he is about teamwork and trust and shit."

As if on cue, Kakashi stuck his head into the living room window and glared half-heartedly at the two women.

"And 'shit'? I don't recall ever mentioning _that_ in my briefings. I'm insulted."

"Go away!" Both of them snapped in his direction irately.

"Fine, fine. Why the hell is it so cold in here?"

"Close the window and get back _outside,_ Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura screeched. "You _said_ you wouldn't listen to this conversation. I don't even know why you're still even here."

But he had already slipped under the silent windowsill.

"So," Ino drawled, and Sakura prayed she was changing the subject. _Anything_ to get Tenzou off her mind. "Are you guys actually going to get married eventually? Because that would be cool. I mean, I would set up the place, get the ceremonial sake…"

"No, Ino." Sakrua groaned. "We've been through this."

"Well, tell me why not again. I already forgot whatever half-assed reason you gave me."

"Okay. For the last time. It's like this. So, we don't want to get married because it would only make things more emotionally complicated if one of us happens to die. I mean, because not only do you have a connection, but it's a legal connection. So you have to go and file all the papers after they die, and you're responsible for their belongings…it's just too much to deal with."

"Oh, that's just a bunch of bullcrap. You've never actually talked about it, have you? Your relationship, I mean. That's ridiculous. You can't just "be together" with someone unofficially. It's philosophically impossible."

"Oh, what, you're into philosophy now, Ino?"

"Yeah, Sakura, I am. And one of the things it talks about is how you can't be something and not be something at the same time. Like, it's either Wednesday or it's not Wednesday. You can't be both or in between. And I know you're trying to bait me out of the topic at hand, but come on. You guys need to sit down and talk about what's up."

"No, no, no."

"Why, why, why?"

"Well—I already told you what it was like when we first started doing stuff together. It was impulsive, and we didn't love each other. It just sort of happened."

"Did one of you really lose a bet? Because I heard—"

"We are _not_ going to go there, Ino-pig."

"Oh, I suppose. Can you hand me my cake down there? Thanks."

"No problem. So what were you talking about with all that Wednesday stuff?"

"Oh, right. See, you can't think you're in a relationship when nothing has been established. If you're just sort of kind of living together and maybe a little bit going out every once in a while…that's not really real."

"But what I told you was real. It's true that T—Yamato and I haven't talked about _us,_ but I don't want us to get so serious as to get married because I really worry about all that stuff. I don't want to have to keep being reminded of him after he dies, and I'm afraid that if we talk about it, he'll not want to be with me anymore. I don't want him to leave like Sasuke."

"Know what that's called? Anxiety. A fear with no rational basis. You're afraid of all this stuff that's not in front of your face, Sakura. You can't keep seeing Sasuke in every single guy you come across, or you'll never have a stable relationship with anyone. It's like being afraid of being pushed off a cliff when you're a thousand miles from so much as a hill."

"But, going back to our little philosophical drift, doesn't having the _idea_ of a relationship make it real? I mean, you can have sex with someone and not love or care about them. So does that mean that true relationships are all mentally based?"

"No way! If you two just go around like you are now, just thinking you're the happiest couple ever, and you never…convey that to one another, I guess, then there's no connection. And if there's no connection, there's no relationship."

"This is _so_ unnecessarily dramatic."

"I know, right?"

"…You want some more ice cream?"

"Yeah, okay. But promise me you'll talk to him about it?"

"Mmmmaybe."

"Sakura."

"I only have chocolate chip cookie dough."

"Sakura, promise me you'll do it, even if it's not a full-blown talk. This just needs to happen, trust me."

"I'll get your bowl."

"I'm going to tell him for you if you don't."

"Actually, do that. I don't _want_ to do it."

"Sakura! How can you say you like where you are right now when you don't even know where that is?"

Sakura extracted herself from the sheets and stumbled over to the thermostat on legs long fallen asleep, socks dangling limp from her toes. She turned it up to normal and sighed gustily as she listened to the gradual decreasing hum from the air conditioning unit, glad for things to go back to normal. She just couldn't help it, she loved living in a rut. It took some serious willpower to make a difference in her life: going to Tsunade, agreeing to train in both medicine and combat, learning to stop obsessing over Sasuke…but those things all caused pain. Was it worth repeating a big step?

A crushed lily lay desolate on the tile of the kitchen floor, and Sakura stared at the jumble of colors and pollen strewn about. So much carelessness, even if it was only one flower.

"All right, I'll tell him. Eventually. Just not right now."

Ino scoffed and flipped her hair, abandoning the thin covers to the floor. Stalking over to Sakura, she took her place standing beside her, pursing her lips at the broken flower. She picked up the pieces and threw them in the sink in one fluid motion.

"I guess that's the best answer I'll get out of you for now."

Sakura grinned and tipped her head back. "Yeah."

* * *

A few days passed, and Tenzou was released from the hospital as promised, totally free of narcotics, poison residue, and touchy hospital staff. It was surprisingly a lot easier than Sakura had suspected; the poison squad didn't even want to run some last-minute checks on him, not even for the pure joy of watching a positive test come up. (As that usually meant something exciting was about to happen.)

After the ceremonial trashing of the hospital clothes, Sakura dragged Tenzou over to her apartment by a newly healed arm. Yesterday, she'd given him a list of some of the presents stacked up in her living room, and promised that she'd go through all of them with him as soon as they got back. That was then, and this was now. They walked through her front door hand in hand—Sakura had been surprised at the offer he made; normally he didn't like touchy stuff in public—and she led him to the couch in the living room where Kakashi had sat days before.

It didn't take long before they began to ruffle through the gifts—organized now, thanks to the handful of pocket change currently nestled in Kakashi's jacket. Tenzou and Sakura began peering at each one as if it were an ancient artifact, as if examining its every nook and cranny might somehow give them insight into why in the name of all things good _anyone_ would ever want to buy it. Soon enough, Sakura went through all the presents she herself had opened—the children's book and ribbon, the spa card, and all the rest—and finally got to the section that received a guest opening by Naruto, who didn't want to wait until Sakura got back from the hospital.

And there were some pretty memorable items, too.

A rubber katana wrapped up in clear cellophane paper…

"What would you even _do_ with it?"

"I guess try and trick someone into thinking it was the real thing."

"If someone was talented enough to handle a sword, I imagine they'd have to be absolute dumbasses to fall for _this."_

"Oh, I don't know. I know some pretty empty-headed people in ANBU. You didn't hear that from me, though."

…a combination mini washing machine and cigar case…

"Is this just duct tape holding it together…? Who is this _from?"_

"There's not a name."

"Well, jeez, I wouldn't put one, either."

…a huge book on the history of indigenous art…

"Ooh, this is probably from Sai. Oh…Jiraiya? Huh."

"I guess you never know with some people."

…and a giant, rainbow-striped beanbag chair, among other, more normal things.

The beanbag dented in the center wonderfully when Sakura and Tenzou attempted simultaneously to sit in it, the dried beans inside rubbing against one another with a clean sound, like a wet summer rain. After scooting and vying for space, the two eventually found it easiest to sit in a single dent, pressed together on all sides by the sloping edges.

Sakura reached across Tenzou's lap and ran her hand over the peaking seams. The fabric, tough but flexible, didn't mimic any other beanbags in any store she'd ever seen. She looked Tenzou in the face, sizing him up for a conversation, and he stared at her hand with a blank expression on his face, a contemplating stare.

"I think someone made this for us, Tenzou."

"That was…nice of them."

"No, I mean I think they sat down and sewed it up. See, there are real beans on the inside, not plastic, and these gaps in between seams are just barely irregular in some places. You can't tell unless you look super close, though, so it's not like it'll fall apart or anything."

Tenzou nodded thoughtfully. Sakura laughed softly at him, ducking her head and coughing before she continued.

"So, I mean, they must like us a lot. I know this material would be difficult to sew by hand. Was there a card or something?"

"I looked. There wasn't."

They sat there for a while before Sakura tried again.

"Tenzou…"

"Mmm?"

"You…said you weren't angry."

"So, am I acting angry?"

"No, but—well, you're kind of acting condescending. Like I'm not worthy of your conversation. Like you just want me to leave you alone and let you think."

Tenzou's eyes sparked bright and aware, and he physically turned to face her fully.

"Do you really think that?"

"Well…"

"Nothing in between. Do you really think I was being that way?"

"Right then…yes. Yes, I really thought so."

Tenzou's hands came up from his sides to rest palms on her cheeks. Sakura waited, for a reprimand, for a speech, for something, but for the longest time he said nothing, just looked at her. Amazing how so much managed to express itself in so little.

He breathed in once, twice, and on the third time, he tilted her face up and kissed her softly on the lips. Sakura immediately regretted putting chapstick on when Tenzou pulled back rubbing his lips together contemplatively. But then he kissed her again, and again after that, and the chapstick crisis migrated to the recesses of her mind where it belonged.

"Don't," he breathed, "think I would ever patronize you. It's true I was upset earlier, but I see how this whole thing was a mistake, all right? I know you felt bad and you're not going to do it again. I'm not even thinking about that anymore."

"Then what—?"

"I was just thinking how beautiful you look when you stand in the sun, and how I love to watch you when you don't know I'm there."

"Tenzou, that's unusually poetic for you," Sakura giggled nervously. "And kind of creepy, I have to say. That, um, last bit."

He smiled slyly. "Hey, it happens."

"Then I guess I can put this whole thing aside, I suppose. We just have to sort through all this stuff and decide what we're going to keep, and…yeah."

"Sounds good to me."

"Oh! Right, I forgot about something Ino wanted me to do."

Tenzou mock cringed. "Is it something legal this time?"

"Oh, stop it. Actually, she wanted me to talk about us. You know, our relationship and stuff."

"So didn't we do that already?"

"I think so. And I think we did a bang-up job. But there was this one other thing…"

"Always the one other thing."

"She wanted us to talk about…well, I dunno. Getting married." She hurried the last bit in a rush of nervousness, unsure of his reaction. But to her surprised, Tenzou rewarded her with a rare, full-out laugh.

"Because of all the talk going around, right?"

Sakura nodded sheepishly.

"Sakura, you don't have to talk about it. That girl doesn't rule your life."

"I know, but…I don't want to lie to her."

"Okay, okay. So do you want to talk about getting married? Go and get hitched right now, shotgun wedding?"

She giggled again. "No, no…I don't want to talk about it at all. I'm sorry, Tenzou, I really like—well, love you…a lot, but—I just—it's something I'd have to think about when I'm alone, at length."

Tenzou's eyes turned downcast, but didn't sadden. He just…understood, and for a moment, Sakura felt a thrill in her stomach. It was so easy! And here she thought it would be like pulling teeth. With blunt tweezers. Still one more thing to clean up, though.

"Tenzou…do _you_ want us to think about getting married?"

"I've never thought about it at all, to be perfectly honest, so I'm putting all the weight of the initial plunge on you, I'm afraid." He stood up from the beanbag and held a hand out to the pink-hair girl nestled in the cozy spot where his body heat lingered. Sakura accepted the proffered hand and stood nose-to-nose with the man.

"I don't think it's a good plan to think about any of that just yet…I know I'm repeating myself, but…"

"Well, then let's _don't_ think about it. Besides, I want to see you in that yellow thong, the one with the zipper on it, and I think that's what should matter the _most."_

Sakura grinned and took his hand, and then led him over to the pile of underwear she'd received, snatching the mentioned pair before leading him off down the hallway. She relaxed out of her nerve-wracked state from earlier, knowing that if he was already back to finding every possible excuse to do the deed, then without a doubt, things were back to normal, regular, everyday bliss. It _was_ all going to be okay.

At least, it would be until the following holiday...

* * *

**A/N:** I have learned from this experience that it's so much nicer to have everything already written out before you publish the first chapter. I am SO doing that next time, and then I'll actually be able to keep a freaking deadline no matter HOW much work I have.

Cynicism aside, I hope you guys loved this! I just love screwing with my characters' heads, yes I do.

* * *


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